The Lazy Girl’s Guide to Surviving Perimenopause

Because If One More Person Tells You to “Try Yoga,” You Might Scream

Let’s be honest: if you’re reading this, you’re probably horizontal. Maybe on your couch. Maybe under a weighted blanket. Possibly with one boob hanging out because temperature regulation left the building around 2021. Welcome. You’re safe here.

This is not a place where we pretend perimenopause is a quirky, woo-woo "journey" of self-discovery. It's a weird hormonal carnival ride that none of us bought tickets for. You're not broken — you're just in The Fog of Forty-Something. And we’re here to hack it... the lazy girl way.

1. Hydration, But Make It Passive-Aggressive

You know hydration is important. But what if you hate water? Or forget it exists?

Lazy hack:
Keep a stupidly large, ridiculous water bottle by your bed/couch/doom pile of laundry. Not because you’ll suddenly drink 80 oz a day — but because if it’s in your sight line, you’ll at least sip it out of guilt or boredom.

Bonus tip: Add trace minerals or a pinch of pink salt + lemon to your water. It's a DIY electrolyte that doesn't taste like diet sadness.

2. Cognitive Decline or Just Too Many Tabs?

You don’t need a brain supplement. You need fewer mental browser windows open.

Lazy hack:
Keep a dry erase marker in the bathroom and write ONE thing to remember on your mirror each morning. That’s it. Grocery item? Appointment? Existential reminder that you’re not responsible for everyone’s emotional well-being? Slap it up there.

Visual memory > trying to "just remember."
Forget brain-boosting puzzles. The puzzle is your life.

3. Rage Cleaning Is Still Cleaning

Mood swings? Use them. Turn that hormonal spike into action.

Lazy hack:
Set a 10-minute timer and go full psycho on one drawer, counter, or inbox folder. When the timer goes off, drop the sponge and walk away like a badass. No need to "finish." We’re not curing clutter — we’re reclaiming control in microbursts.

Plus, nothing is more satisfying than furiously throwing out expired sunscreen while yelling “WHY IS EVERYONE ALWAYS NEEDING ME?!”

4. Meal Prep = Snack Plate Vibes

Forget Pinterest meal planning. That ship sank in 2020.

Lazy hack:
Stock your fridge with a few pre-sliced things you actually like: cheese, cucumber, hard-boiled eggs, rotisserie chicken, those bougie olives that make you feel alive again. Toss some on a plate. Call it lunch. Call it self-care.

Perimenopause is not the time to pretend you love kale. Your body is busy waging war inside you. Give it protein and go.

5. Hot Flashes Call for Cold Petty Energy

Hot flash coming on? Don’t just suffer — get spitefully strategic.

Lazy hack:
Stick a face roller, mini fan, or that bag of frozen peas you keep forgetting to cook right next to the couch. When the sweat tsunami hits, grab it like a sword. Roll your face like you’re being pampered in a petty spa where you run the show.

Better yet, announce to no one in particular: “This body is a temple, but the thermostat is broken.”

6. Rest Is Not a Reward

This is not “you time.” This is vital system maintenance.
You don’t have to earn rest. You just have to take it before you cry in the grocery store again.

Lazy hack:
Build rest into your day before you're desperate. Rest doesn’t have to be a nap. It can be a quiet 11 minutes where no one talks to you and you stare into space with a snack. This counts. This is medicine.

Final Thought: You’re Not Failing. You’re Rewiring.

Perimenopause is not a problem to be solved — it’s a system reboot. Yes, it’s glitchy. Yes, sometimes it crashes at the worst times (like your kid’s parent-teacher conference or when you sneeze in white pants). But it’s not permanent. And it’s definitely not a moral failing.

Let the rebellion begin from your couch. Wrapped in a robe. Eating goat cheese off a paper towel. You’re doing amazing, sweet beast.